theMQ.org
March 11, 2015
Page 3
Cause of Racial Tensions Found to be All Other Races
PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE
“If anything, I think between the cake and us forgiving you, you owe us something,” said one area woman, presenting the cake to the masses. wrong — we can confirm The majority of news or- government, with the GovBY MATT OLSON
A
Staff Writer
team of casual anthropologists from Berkeley announced late last week at a press conference that they had discovered that the cause of racial tensions across the globe was “all races except their own.” This announcement caught the attention of major news stations in multiple countries. “Well, we were at Whole Foods after a game of Squash looking for organic, freerange blueberries,” the team explained when asked to elaborate on their findings, “then Chad had an epiphany and said, ‘hey, you know who’s really at fault here? Everyone that isn’t white.’ “And while we disagree with his phrasing, the data really doesn’t lie. After hours of tireless testing and research — in which we asked several of our friends who they blame when things go
that, yes, racial tensions are definitely caused by all other races. We hope this discovery will lead towards a brighter future where we all know who to blame.” Public reception towards this discovery has been largely positive. Local, Jackson Smith, was present at the press conference, and seemed to be receptive towards the announcement. “It was refreshing for someone to actually have an answer to this problem that humanity has been facing for so long,” said Smith. “I mean it doesn’t really affect me directly because I try to not blame others for my problems and to see the good in people, but I can see how this discovery could benefit us. “I am bothered when homeless people ask me for change, though, and I wish they’d stop. Hopefully they can do a study on that next so I can feel justified as well.”
ganizations were also receptive to this discovery, with many hailing it as “the most important discovery since the teleprompter and internet comments.” CNN reportedly fired 95 percent of its workforce and instead has been playing the conference on a continuous loop for the past four days. “Our viewers really only watched us so they knew who to blame when things went wrong, and now that information is readily available,” a CNN spokesman said in a statement. “As such, at this point in time, CNN no longer feels it is necessary to employ analysts, anchors, or researchers, as any questions our reports raise can be answered by those geniuses at Berkeley.” No one has been more receptive than the U.S. Government, however. Support for the study is unanimous amongst all branches of the
ernment Alliance on Race and Equity hailing the Berkeley researchers as heroes. The Supreme Court in particular has been extremely welcoming to the study, and many Justices have already incorporated it into hearings, regardless of whether or not race is involved. Congress has begun to put plans in motion to change February 1 to “National Racial Tension Remembrance Day,” as Speaker of the House John Boehner claimed the report was “a national treasure that should be recognized as the first step towards eradicating racial tensions everywhere.” Some have argued that the date could be problematic as it is the first day of Black History Month, but the response from Congress was for all members to “uncomfortably riffle through papers for a bit” and pretend they didn’t hear anything.
New FAA regulations for Drones The following updated FAA regulations on drones will take effect starting March 13, 2015. These regulations have been formed to ensure the security of drone operators, the general public, and large bird populations. Drones are expected to meet these guidelines while remaining in open air space at all times. All drones that fail to meet these standards will be confiscated by the U.S. Department of Defense and held indefinitely.
Must provide a non-peanut, gluten-free option for snacks
Must be painted with a kickass racing stripe
Though fiercely opposed by the NRA, there is a one-day waiting period to get a hellfire missile attached to your drone
Drones may have no more than two cup holders
The Amish must apply for a special permit to attach horses to their drones
Must have flashing lights and loud beeping noises when they fly in reverse
Rotor blades have to be large enough to kill geese, as to continue addressing goose overpopulation
Other Regulations: • Domestic invasion of privacy restricted to Mondays • Must make available on Amazon Prime to allow for two day shipping • Sentient drones must sign up for selected service at 18 years of age • Drones with facial recognition must be able to recognize all races; it’s 2015
POINT My Dad Can Beat up Your Dad BY LOUIS
Son of Father his is the end of the line, Stewart. I could handle you stealing my pizza on Pizza Wednesday, which you know is my favorite, and saying disparaging things about my mother in sex-ed, but stealing my laptop and replacing all of my word files with lines from The Room and swapping out my music with Lil B based freestyles crosses the line. No, it takes the line, grabs it by the throat, THROTTLES, and kills it before leaving its dead corpse in the dust and zooming away at light speed. I’d kick the living shit out of you, really, if only you’d get out of that wheelchair. I know you’re just milking that soccer injury to get girls. Oh, I’d punch you right in the mouth and turn your teeth into a crosswalk, if only punching you that hard wouldn’t ruin my ability to play piano. So I won’t hurt you. I’ll just take solace in the fact that my dad totally “wrecks skrubs” like in those annoying MLG videos you also polluted my computer with. In the sim-
T
plest terms, my dad can beat up your dad to the point where he’s gonna want to crawl back to the Bronze Age, or at least to the Reagan administration to get away. My dad is like MacGyver and can beat your dad with nothing but a pine cone and a deer hoof at his disposal, or with his bare hands since he’s a Judo champion. Is your dad a Judo champion? Didn’t think so. My dad is 265 pounds of pure USDA grade-A muscle to boot. If I was nice I’d say give up now, but I want to see this fight happen with the the eagerness of an inebriated 21-year-old stumbling into a tattoo parlor, with my dad as the victor, of course.
COUNTERPOINT No, My Dad Can Beat up Your Dad BY STEWART
S
Child of Dad
o, you want to see this fight with “the eagerness of an inebriated 21-yearold?” I’d say your dad knows a thing or two about being inebriated, and how do I know? I know he’s not a Judo champion because I HEARD YOU SAY once how he got kicked out for sneaking away from the group to eat Cheetos and down cheap beers. But now all of a sudden he’s a champion? Pathetic. And you said he can kick my dad’s ass with a leaf or some shit but that’s so stupid I could find more intellectual value reading the backs of Lucky Charms boxes. My dad on the other hand is a gun enthusiast who’s trained to aim and shoot at idiotic scum like your dad — 360 no scopes and everything — and he indeed has guns up the yin yang. But he doesn’t even need a Halloween store plastic gun to take care of this job. He’s so tough that one time he went 12 rounds with a rabbit that was trying to steal my dog’s kibble, and won! He’s so
hard that he can put just over 100 pounds on the bench if he tries hard enough and eats enough soy protein beforehand. He’s so suave that he wears a white fedora with a black suit and doesn’t even care how it looks. Classy, but that’s beside the point of my dad pwning your dad. But it has everything to do with my dad wading through the sea of empty Keystone Light cans to present himself to your dad in a classy manner before pwning him. He had this fight in the bag like, yesterday, and I hope those based freestyles have been invading your thoughts on a bihourly basis.
TOP TEN
Tips for Choosing which Summer Festival to Attend 10. How cute are the drug dogs? 9. Is your chance of being physically injured low? If so, you probably shouldn’t go 8. What’s the Native-American-headdress-toyoga-workshop ratio? 7. Is the terrain hilly enough for rolling? 6. How difficult would it be for emergency response teams to access the area in the event of a large fire? 5. Are you vaccinated? 4. Is it a subset of a greater regional renaissance fair? You should probably check 3. Are the porta-potties big enough to do anything interesting? 2. Is this an underwear on or off sort of affair? 1. Is there a corn field nearby to get murdered in?