Danny Dyer v Dane Bowers: two no-marks at war

It is much too early to unveil the Lost in Showbiz Spring Collection, but we are very much in the market for a Cruise Collection and, to this end, introduce a new line in the form of Danny Dyer. Yes, yes – I realise he's been "going" for some time. But we do like to get them in when they go out, here at Lost in Showbiz, and so the star of The Football Factory – and any amount of what I suppose you'd have to call Bravo's tentpole programming – is hereby given his debut.

I have in my hand this week's Zoo – a magazine Lost in Showbiz normally avoids as it demeans men – in which cub columnist Danny sends a semi-epistolary warning to Dane Bowers.

"I can't believe Dane Bowers was digging me out on Celebrity Big Brother," he writes, before elaborating for those who perhaps lack perfect recall of the incident. "Nicola T was insulting him, saying he looked like Danny DeVito, and he told her it was just as well she didn't say Danny Dyer. F**king liberty taker. Let's be fair – he'd have a touch to look like me, the no-mark. He'd come across OK on the show, but digging me out on TV? That's a f**king joke. He was texting me not long ago, trying to get me to do some public appearances, but I blanked him. He was obviously on his arse and had told someone he could get Danny Dyer. I don't know how he got my number, but he started pretending he was my mate. He wants to slow down. If I bump into him, I'll bite his f**king nose off."

Majestic. It's like Dangerous Liaisons for imbeciles. My favourite bit – bar the attempt to enforce a ruthless caste system in the no-mark community – is the prissy way Danny asterisks the word fuck, perhaps for fear of offending the sensibilities of readers of a magazine in which topless women appear upwards of a hundred times, and which is littered with adverts inviting readers to "let granny gobble you off – she'll put anything in her mouth, she'll even lick your bum". What a prim little hardman he is, and we're delighted to welcome him to the fold.