Volume XXXVIII • Issue 4 • March 2019
the FEDERALIST Columbia’s Only Newspaper That Stole Your AirPods
THE STAFF EDITORIAL BOARD Ani Wilcenski Ben Most Feditors-in-Chief Mimi Evans Managing Editor Julia Schreder and Luis Vera Head Submissions Editors ASSOCIATE BOARD Alex Horn Layout Editor Natalie Arenzon Graphics Editor Sam Millner Publisher/Copy Editor Jeremy Adkins Joey Baer Amelia Fay
W. Reed Simmons Senior Editor
Jeremy Adkins Video Editor Annie Iezzi Gustie Owens
Submissions Editors LAYOUT TEAM Alex Horn Gustie Owens Julia Schreder STAFF WRITERS/ARTISTS Amelia Antone Elizabeth Bailey William Bromley Amelia Fay Garrison Grogan Uma Halsted Nicole Kohut Jonathan McClement Nikhil Mehta
Mai Morsy Matt Nola Jordan Panzier Wesley Schmidt Malia Simon Jaysen Zhang Rachel Zhang Kate Della Pietra
CONTRIBUTORS Will Barker Jesse Braun Julia Cobb Payton Geller Chloe Gottlieb Gil Levitan Owen Long Jon Lozenge
Venice Ohleyer Jordan Panzier Kevin Petersen Kate Steiner Max Waldroop Maddy Warrell Rachel Zhang
A Dispatch from the Feditors Dear Weary Travelers, We’re approaching that point in the semester. You know, that point when you’re about to take your first of six calc midterms, when you haven’t gotten a full night’s sleep since ’Nam, when even your Adderall dealer is a little worried that you’re not okay. The truth is, you’re probably not okay. Instead, you’ve probably turned to mozzarella sticks, Voda, and Ferris pizza, hoping that enough grease and sweet smiles from WHAT IS HER NAME at the Ferris swipe-in desk will be enough to mask your pain. Let’s be real--all of us know that isn’t working. We here at the Federalist see right through you. But we have a solution to your problems, something more permanent and powerful than any grease-covered carbohydrate or sweet rush of study drugs. And that solution is our new issue of the Federalist, available to you at most major on-campus locations. So wipe off some grease and take a read -- we hope we can distract you, if only momentarily, from the pain of existence. Ani and Ben The Feditors-In-Chief TABLE OF CONTENTS
PAGE 3: Slavery, assault, and other Columbia past-times. PAGE 4: We’re droppin’ like flies. PAGE 5: Fantasy, delusion, and the Core Curriculum. PAGE 6: Fucking nerds. PAGE 7: Admiring ass and eating eggs. Wait. Reverse that. PAGE 8-9: ??? PAGE 10: Modern etiquette. PAGE 11: Identity politics and Chef Mike. PAGE 12: Stay stubbly. PAGE 13: James McShane goes print. PAGE 14: Open letters, emotionally closed envelopes. PAGE 15: We went to 1020 once.
Cover Artwork by Jesse Braun
S.P.E.W.
Director of the Core Freed After Catching Bollinger’s Sock By JAYSEN ZHANG
GRYFFINDOR! HAMILTON—Roosevelt Montás, director of the Core for the last 10 years, has been freed from his position. This is a direct result of his catching President Bollinger’s sock, fulfilling the exit clause of his office-elf contract. The event took place at the Center for the Core Curriculum, moments before a planned meeting to discuss the trajectory of the Core in the coming years. Bollinger had stepped in a puddle outside Hamilton and took off his socks to aerate his feet. He carelessly tossed them over his shoulder without knowing Montás was right behind him. However, when he called for Montás to start the
meeting, he realized what he had done. “Come, Montás. I said, come.” But Montás didn’t move. He was holding up Bollinger’s disgusting, slimy sock, and looking at it as though it were a priceless treasure. “President has given a sock,” said the office-elf in wonderment. “President gave it to Montás.” “What’s that?” spat Bollinger. “What did you say?” “Got a sock,” said Montás in disbelief. “President
threw it, and Montás caught it, and Montás—Montás is free.” Montás is now looking for a new occupation, one where he is not treated as a mere office-elf but admired for his unique and charming personality.
The 121st Annual Sorority Formal Recruitment has concluded with the traditional sacrifice of a virgin. By JOEY BAER
Fraternal sacrifice victim
LERNER HALL— Scores of girls wait outside the Roone Arledge Auditorium. They are exhausted but overjoyed. They have gone through a grueling 5 days of meet and greets, interviews, and evaluations to join the next generation of Columbia’s sorority sisters. Now the cohort waits with their newfound sisterhood for the event that will finalize their admission into the Panhellenic community: the sacrificial burning of a live virgin. “I’m just so nervous I, like, can’t even stand it,” says Laura Hooper, BC ‘22, a future member of AOII. The Neophyte listens closely as the president of the Panhellenic Council, Debbie Melles, CC ‘19, tells the story known to so many sisters: the annual sacrifice
of the virgin consecrates the marriage of every new sister as a bride of Satan, CC’68 Wharton ‘72, in exchange for internal youth. “Who’s the Prince of Darkness? (Oy Yeah Oy Yeah). He’s the man for me!” Hooper attempts to follow along as her fellow sisters clap and read from their satanic hymnbook. Lauren Lyver, BC ‘20 and Philanthropy Chair of AOII, comes over to help Hooper with the songs. “It’s important that we foster strong relationships with our sisters early on,” Lyver says, “activities like virgin sacrifice or Relay for Life are great times to get to know and connect with our new sisters through mentorship”. Lyver helps Hooper place some oak branches on the pyre. They then take their seats and
wait for the event to begin. The virgin is brought in via service elevator, identified only as a male SEAS student. He is then blindfolded and led to the pyre. The girls sing praises to Lucifer as the virgin is bound to the wood. The rest of the Panhellenic council, now in black hoods, lights the pentagram of candles surrounding the pyre and as they collectively say a prayer. They all step back and the pyre is lit. They then begin to rejoice, as the pyre burns and they are bound in sisterhood and in the most unholy matrimony to Beelzebub, lord of the flies. The girls then exit one by one into the cold January night, off the Sweetgreen or Dig Inn or maybe to steal a little Christian child.
STROKOS GOURMET DELI “DROP-DEAD DELICIOUS” CALL (212) 666-2121
ARTOPOLIS SUCKS NOW TOO
GET THAT TUSSIN IN THERE TO THE BONE
“Have You Heard of Cough Drops?” Says Columbia Health to Student Dying of TB
BY AMELIA FAY taken seriously and I would Swears shes not contagious be treated by only the finest JOHN JAY--Simon doctors.” “At first,” Nelson said, “I Nelson CC ’20 was suffering thought it was just your runfrom a debilitating cough, of-the-mill cold, but I knew so he went to the Columbia something was up when I Health Center for assistance. coughed so hard I hacked up Unlike most universities, blood in the middle of my Columbia requires students Gender and Sexuality lecto provide a doctor’s note ture. So I headed to Columto be granted an excused absence from class. Colum- bia Health, hoping to receive bia Health is the easiest and some quick, state-of-the-art most trusted option for most medical care.” “I probably should have students, due to its spotless known something was up record of timely service and when I entered and didn’t thorough care. “Naturaleven check in with a human, ly,” Nelson said, “I went to just a slimy iPad from 2008. Columbia Health because I Instead, I foolishly decided knew my symptoms would be to stick around. I sat in the
waiting room for two hours, sweating profusely and hacking up blood. The only staff
Rockefeller, “wearing cheap aviators, pastel blue trunks, and showing his strangely hairless chest” was reportedly seen slamming a natty light on the pool deck right before body slamming a physically weak and vulnerable Nathan into the pool while yelling “Worldstar.” Nathan, remembering all
boat was going to be while fighting for his life in the 8 foot deep pool, just a yard away from the edge. Because of his StarCraft induced legal blindness, Nathan struggled to see the numbers on his calculator watch as he tried to compute his water displacement and bouyant force needed all the while blindly
"THE DOCTOR LISTENED IN SILENCE, LOOKING BORED. I THINK HE EVEN CHECKED INSTAGRAM" - Lauren Lyver BC '20 member who talked to me was the receptionist, and she just asked me to be quiet so she could harass a freshman with strep throat in peace.” Nelson says that he de-
scribed his symptoms— coughing up blood, weight loss, chest pain, fever, and night sweats—to the doctor, hoping to receive an accurate diagnosis. “The doctor listened in silence, looking bored. I think he even checked Instagram once when I was talking. Finally, he just said, ‘Word, sounds like a cold,’ and shoved a manila envelope of Throat Coat Tea and Ricolas at me.” “I mean, dude, I’m fucking dying over here and all these people do for me is give me six Kleenex and instructions on how to consume a cough drop? I could have gotten this stuff from
the homeless man in front of Duane Reade,” said Nelson. He added that the doctor refused to give him a medical excuse from class, even after he waved his blood-spattered Spanish notes in his face. As of press ime, Nelson has seen a real doctor and has been diagnosed with a life-threatening case of active tuberculosis. He is currently staying in a quarantine room and taking a daily dose of Isoniazid. When Federalist reporters reached out to Nelson’s Columbia Health doctor for comment on his case, her response was simply, “What is Isoniazid? A brand of cough drops?”
recently slamming down seven beers, two four-lokos, and a pack of Oscar Meyer weiners he had just microwaved, also struggled to keep his mildly obese body afloat. Reacting quickly, Nathan’s cousins nearby, also SEAS students, immediately opened up their Dell XPS’s to begin 3D modeling a boat until all fourteen of them were hit with the same firmware update. At the same time, Chad’s boys were hesitant to jump into the pool to try and help since just an hour beforehand they had “already swam 75 meters and weren’t sure if they could do an extra one.” The scene looked hopeless until a lifeguard, Joshua Smalley ‘GS 20, a former Reconnaissance Marine, working after his classes, reached out from the pool’s edge and rescued the helpless men.
“I just felt bad for the little guy, squirming around like that,” Joshua told the Federalist. The family of Nathan have now decided to sue Rockefeller in New York City Civil Court. Though Rockefeller refused to give any comment regarding the court proceedings, his father Brad Rockefeller, CC’89 CLS 92’, who is also his lawyer, assured us that Chad “is a good kid, and would never do anything to hurt anybody,” conveniently ignoring his well-known history of juvenile delinquency, drunk driving, Percocet abuse, occasional coke habit, and sexual assault. Columbia University is will also face a lawsuit from the Yixiang family considering how bad the “build a boat” advice was in practice.
SEAS student nearly drowns, couldn’t build boat fast enough
BY KEVIN PETERSON can fuck in a canoe DODGE GYM—What was supposed to be a relaxing summer day quickly became a harrowing nightmare when Chad Rockefeller, CC’19, pushed an unsuspecting Nathan Yixiang, SEAS 21’, into the Dodge Pool “just to impress the boys,” unaware that SEAS students are not required to pass a swim test. Unable to tread water and struggling with his 20/400 vision, Nathan struggled to make a boat out of nothing and nearly died. “I wanted nothing more than get a headstart on next month’s ‘Applied Discrete Advanced Programing’ pset until my TI-84 ran out of battery. I was on my way to ask my cousin nearby for replacements until my whole life changed.”
“I JUST FELT BAD FOR THE LITTLE GUY, SQUIRMING AROUND LIKE THAT.” - Joshua Smalley GS '20 of the times he and fellow SEAS students joked that they “didn’t need to know how to swim, because [they] could build a boat” quickly realized just how hard building that
feeling about his immediate area for the plywood, laminate, wood-glue, and calk needed to begin boat construction, amidst ingesting dirty pool water. Chad, cramping from
JUST SPLASH AROUND LIKE THE REST OF US
CATEGORICAL IMPERATIVE MY BUTT
Disillusioned CC Professor Doesn’t Understand that Students Take More Classes Than Just CC By JULIA SCHREDER So Fucking Stressed
sion posts with a minimum word count of 500, and 10 additional three-page responses to be completed at their own “discretion and leisure.” Most other CC classes barely require attendance and count participation as 70% of the final grade.
CENTER FOR THE CORE CURRICULUM—A new and stunning report reveals that CC Professor Christian McNeil simply cannot comprehend the fact that his students are enrolled in classes other "I THOUGHT THAT CC WAS THE MOST than his own section of Contemporary CivilizaIMPORTANT AND REALLY THE ONLY tions that meets from 10:10-12:00 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. THING THESE KIDS DID AT COLUMBIA... After a semester of assigning his students over YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THEY 500 pages of reading each night, McNeil was reportedly shocked to learn that all 20 of his students ACTUALLY HAVE MAJORS OUTSIDE OF were, in fact, enrolled in at least three other classes THE CORE CURRICULUM? that also assign copious amounts of readings, prob-CHRISTIAN MCNEIL, lem sets, and papers. “I thought that CC was the most important and RECENTLY MADE CC PROFESSOR really the only thing these kids did at Columbia,” the newly made full-time professor mused, confusedly. “You mean to tell me that they actually have When his students brought up the discrepancy in majors outside of the core curriculum?” workload, McNeil merely shrugged and said happily, McNeil, a man whose students have speculated “Well, you’re just going to know so much more about must have absolutely no life outside of planning his philosophy than everyone else!” To this, his students CC classes, assigned his students a grand total of merely groaned—more than half determined to seven papers this semester, as well as nightly discus- switch to a different CC class by the next class.
Jason Scott, a student who recently transferred out of the class after a semester of hell, had only this to say about his former professor: “Yeah, fuck that guy. I don’t think he understands the basic human principles of sleep or happiness. I slaved my life away and he gave me a D as my final grade. Is that even allowed?!” This feeling of repulsion is not universally shared by McNeil’s students, however. Despite the heavy workload, McNeil has managed to accrue a small but loyal contingency of students. One student, Alisha Erikson, gushed about her professor, “I think he’s just misunderstood. He gives a lot of work, but he’s brilliant and I love him.” Unfortunately, this is not how the majority views McNeil, who is determined to buckle down even more strictly on the few students who remain in his class for the spring semester. “Yeah, I went pretty easy on them in the fall, but now the curriculum is really about to pick up. CC is pretty much the only meaningful thing in my life, and I also expect it to be my students’ only priority. I’m glad they got a chance to relax over winter break because they will quite literally never sleep again.”
Fairytale Princess Finding It Difficult to Adjust to Columbia Life By AJ MCDOUGALL
Straight out of the Magic Kingdom Her Royal Highness Princess Crystal Apricot-Joy of the Magic Land of Happytimes, a spring transfer to Columbia College, is having difficulty transitioning to life at the university, according to a royal proclamation yesterday. The flaxen-haired lass broke into an elaborate solo number on Low steps last Wednesday, she told the Fed in an exclusive interview, a song that required delicate multi-part backup harmonies. “But no one stopped to sing behind me!” Apricot-Joy wailed. Multiple witnesses at the scene recalled the event with confusion. “She had a rat in either hand and was singing about how she felt ‘trapped,’” Eliana Meyerowitz, BC ‘20, reported. “And I mean, big mood, but I just assumed she was on drugs.” Luckily, Apricot-Joy has been able to find a worthy and cartoonishly over-the-top villain in Lee Bollinger, who was last seen cackling fiendishly over a bubbling cauldron labeled “Manhattanville.” But she is struggling with homesickness, a heavy class load, and an inability to find a handsome prince at either Mel’s or 1020.
Apricot-Joy can’t even vent to her mother, since, as is tradition and trope, the queen was executed by executives wearing mouse ears and Magic Castle lapel pins immediately following the princess’ birth. And her father is too busy trying to find her a suitable suitor to listen to Apricot-Joy’s tales of woe about sharing a vomit-covered Carman double that smells of cheap booze. “I used to have a dozen maids following me around, taking care of me,” a teary-eyed Apricot-Joy confided. “I could only bring half a dozen with me to college.” The princess went on to blame recent immigration reform for her inability to keep her room clean. Furthermore, reports have begun to circulate that Apricot-Joy’s beloved talking penguin, Rumples, has been requisitioned as a mascot by the brothers of the Phi Gamma Delta fraternity. “Really,” Apricot-Joy huffed, graciously allowing two pigeons to swoop down and straighten her tiara for her. “You go to one freakin’ FIJI party!” “This is nothing like the Decade of Hugs and Kisses,” the shattered princess bemoaned. “This is more like the Year of Fun and Snuggles, where my evil uncle
NO PRINCE CHARMING IN SIGHT
took over and more than half a million people were taken to the countryside to be violently re-educated!” Her uncle, King Vladimir Dark-Shadows, declined to comment on his niece’s collegiate experience so far,
but did ask if Apricot-Joy had joined the Columbia University College Republicans yet. “That’s what I sent her there for,” he wrote in a letter sent via blood-soaked crow. “Has she followed in my footsteps yet?”
A FUCKING *SEXY* NERD
REPORT: Deantini’s High School Yearbook Reveals That He Was a Huge Fucking Nerd By JULIA SCHREDER Also a huge fucking nerd In light of the recent investigative trend of finding the disturbing secrets from the pasts of powerful, high profile men by going through their high school yearbooks, the Fed decided to do some deep diving into the history of our own James J. Valentini, Dean of Columbia College. The results were shockingly predictable: as we suspected, Deantini was a huge fucking nerd in high school. Deantini’s yearbook page features an overly eager young Valentini (whose hairline recession apparently started at age 12) grinning in front of a set of chemistry equipment, which probably accounted for his only friends at school. In the photo, you can also see
Valentini’s lucky bunsen burner, which he named “Danger.” The photo is accompanied by a sadly on brand Star Wars quote from like, the worst character in the franchise, Jango Fett: “I’m just a simple man trying to make my way in the universe.” After careful analysis, our journalists imagine that Valentini was attempting to come across as “inspiring” and “hip” through this quote, but that it just seems kind of pathetic. The page additionally lists the clubs that the high-schoolaged Deantini participated in, including Chemistry Club, the Mathletes team, and most regrettably, the Chess Club. Valentini’s page also mentions that he was part of something
called the “Dungeons and Dragons Dream Team,” which in our professional opinion is code for, “I have no friends.” Finally, Valentini is listed as the winner of his school’s superlative for “Most Likely to Stay in on a Friday Night,” which as sad as that is, is not even the worst thing on his page. Reports indicate that present Deantini has remained just as nerdy as he was in high school, taking a job as a Professor at Columbia University and then as the dean of its college. Really, what a loser! When asked for comment, Deantini said to the Fed, “Hey, I may be nerdy, but at least I’m not in blackface.”
Columbia to Demolish Apollo Theater, Replace With New Shuttle Bus Stops By GARRISON GROGAN
Not much of a walker A new report from Columbia’s land and development board has shocked nobody by revealing plans for yet another expansion to the new Manhattanville campus. Soon, the purportedly liberal university will take its bid public: to demolish the historic Apollo Theater and replace it with a new shuttle bus route connecting Manhattanville, Morningside, and midtown. “I think it’s quite daring”, boasted report author Lee Scott. “We’ve been planning to do something about that eyesore for a while. It just really doesn’t go with the contemporary ‘all glass, fuck you, money’ aesthetic we
have planned for the whole campus. The Apollo was cool while it lasted, I guess, but it’s had its time and has got to go.” While Columbia has been hoping to demolish the historic landmark for years, it was only recently that the administration settled on the shuttle bus route as a convenient excuse. “We want to meet students’ needs in Harlem,” said Scott, “and after seeking input from several students living downtown, a shuttle bus terminal seems like a good option. Students don’t want to walk through Harlem: that shit’s uphill.”
“I think it’s a great way for me to get to and from the campuses and back down to my apartment near Julliard,” said CC sophomore Stacy Johnson. “I don’t walk by there, it’s just a bunch of furniture stores and a Red Lobster.” The proposed shuttle bus route will begin near Julliard and will feature stops every few blocks until it hits 116th street. Then, its path will head straight, without stopping for more than a red light, until it reaches the brand-spanking new terminal on 125th. Students with valid Columbia ID will be allowed on, along with a select few Harlem residents, for community solidarity. When asked about the impact of
WE JUST REALLY HATE WALKING
demolishing the Apollo on local businesses, Scott explained, “There will, of course, be a slowdown in restaurant traffic around the area, but we are also planning a hip new cafe on campus to supplement the loss of any local food.” When asked about the price of this new cafe, Scott batted his eyes and stated “uhhhhh, it’s a number”. Lastly, the University is already seeking donors who want put their mark a new piece of Harlem property for an unspecified price. Candidate names for the terminal include Chan-Zuckerberg Shuttle Terminal and, for a local touch, the Steve Croman Shuttle Bus.
ADAM SMITH CAN EAT ME OUT
Columbia Economics Department: “The Only Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism is Eating Ass” By ALEX HORN
Switching majors ate Studies, Professor Susan Elmes, In a joint statement released Monthis change was made to better fit the day, professors in the Columbia Deinterests of students. “Columbia’s econ partment of Economics confirmed that majors come from a wide variety of according to their research, the only political backgrounds and are increasproduct that can be morally consumed ingly interested in integrating social under our current economic system is justice into their economic education. the asshole of an acquaintance. This We want all of our students to know new ass-eating policy comes amidst that we stand with them 100%. It’s attempts to “modernize” the curricnot enough to disavow using smartulum for one of Columbia College’s phones made in sweatshops or wearing most popular majors, swinging away Canada Goose jackets made from our from free-market capitalism in favor animal brethren. Your professors don’t of socialist theories such as Neo-Marx- just walk the walk or talk the talk: we ism, the Lange-Lerner model, and and eat the ass.” anilingus. Indeed, while the change was reAccording to the statement, portedly made for the sake of students, reportedly written by the Economics the Department’s faculty have emDepartment’s Head of Undergradubraced it with open arms, and mouths.
“This has truly been a long time coming,” confirmed Professor Sunil Gulati, a renowned economist and former President of the U.S. Soccer Federation. “I’ve been eating ass on my own time for years. Little did I realize at the time, I was not only making a difference in the world, but providing a valuable example for my future students. I intend to teach a class specifically on rimjobbing next semester.” While most economics majors that the Federalist spoke with either lauded the change as a huge step in the right direction, or were simply too coked out to respond, the new policy has not met universal acclaim. “All this talk about ‘ethical consumption under capitalism’ is going
to make potential employers think Columbia’s econ majors are soft and weak,” explained Dan Johnston, CC ‘20, an economics and political science double major. “I’m angling for a management-level position right after graduation, and the last thing I need is for companies to think I’ll prioritize my personal ethical issues over their bottom line. I’m sure all the Goldman-Sachs executives eat ass too, but they leave their private lives at home. ” As of press time, the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences has announced a collaboration with the Economics Department, in order to prepare PhD candidates to properly kiss ass on the way to earning their doctorate.
Photo of Bollinger’s Egg-Like Head Gets 30 Million Instagram Likes By GUSTIE OWENS Sunny-side up In a recent attempt to beat Kylie Jenner’s status as the owner of the most liked pic on Instagram, meme-savvy teens launched a campaign to beat out Kylie’s photo with a photo of an egg. Columbia’s very own Brian Cohen CC’ 21 got a text from his buddy saying to share the egg picture on Instagram. Slow on the uptake, Cohen quickly shared a photo from the Columbia Instagram of President Bollinger’s ovular head with his silver fox locks matted on top of his head and his neck tucked neatly into his shirt. The photo took off.
“He just looks so, I don’t know, egglike,” said Cohen during an interview with Bloomberg Technolgy’s Emily Chang, “I heard egg and that’s what my mind went to”. Cohen told Bloomberg that enough revenue from search optimization has been generated by the ads on Instagram to pay grad students fair wages. In response to the sudden outburst of media attention, Columbia Assistant Vice President for Dining and self-proclaimed carrot-on-pizza enthusiast Vicki Dunn responded, “Well I’m not surprised we got wrapped up in this whole Egg thing. After all we are the number one dining hall in the world.”
SOMEBODY’S SCRAMBLED
Graphic by Natalie Arenzon
FUCK
Graphic by Natalie Arenzon
“FILM”
COOLEST CAMPUS CHARACTERS
GS Vets Mad That Strokos Has More Confirmed Kills Than They Do
By MATTHEW OTTO
Bagel kid After killing a man on January 27th, Strokos is officially on the board with one confirmed kill. This has made the MilVet students from GS furious as they can no longer call themselves “the most dangerous group in Morningside Heights.” “It’s not fair,” said Jonathan McKay, GS ‘20 and an Army veteran, “we had to follow the rules of engagement before being allowed to light up a guy one hundred meters away. Strokos can just drop any dude that walks in the front door.” McKay continued on his tirade claiming that the Strokos kill had massively reduced the respect he gets from Columbia undergrads, saying “people maintain eye contact with me
now when I answer questions in class. I hate it.” GS Vets from other branches of the military shared similar sentiments, a Navy vet commenting “how can we be expected to rack up as many kills as Strokos? There aren’t many people to shoot at in the ocean.” When asked for what he thought about Strokos killing a man, a Marine Corps vet was quick to tell us, “I’ve totally killed people before. It’s just that it’s hard to tell how many people you got after the drone absolutely obliterates the building they were hiding in.” When approached for comment about the recent death and the new tally mark above the door, the head chef at Strokos remained silent.
Just because you grinded on me at SigNu doesn't mean you can add me on LinkedIn. BY PHIL RUDDY Goes to JJ's to network
Over the course of the spring semester, a new trend has hit Columbia’s campus. It’s called “Grind and Connect,” named after the connect button on LinkedIn profile pages. The Fed investigative team looked further into this phenomenon to see how many Colombians regularly participate in the “Grind and Connect” culture.
CARMAN HALL – “I thought we really hit it off last night,” Bellamy Yates CC ’22 recounts to our staff writer at The Fed, “but he apparently doesn’t like it when we grind and I make the choice to connect the next morning. I wish he’d understand that it’s 2019 and I find it empowering to press that blue button, regardless of what occurred the night before.” The Fed reached out to Will LiGuardio, GS ’19 and purported grindee of Ms. Yates, for comment. When questioned about his Grind and Connect experience with Ms. Yates, Mr. LiGuardio, was quick to quip that
he “[didn’t] even know who or what [the Fed reporters] were talking about.” But when the reporters pointed out that they received his contact information from Ms.
that through her thick lululemon leggings, she’ll never understand why I’m upset.” Mr. LiGaurdio declined to comment when asked if he was able to get it “through her
MR. LIGUARDIO DECLINED TO COMMENT WHEN ASKED IF HE WAS ABLE TO GET IT “THROUGH HER THICK LULULEMON LEGGINGS.” Yates, Mr. LiGuardio heatedly stated “Our connection wasn’t as great as Bellamy (sic) may have thought, that’s why I didn’t [add her back on LinkedIn]. If she can’t get
thick lululemon leggings.” When reporters at the Fed suggested that he did not add Ms. Yates back on LinkedIn due to the fact that she did not have sexual relations with
TIP ME IN MEAL SWIPES
him, Mr. LiGaurdio, again, declined to comment. Throughout the Fed’s investigation, numerous men and women of varying schools and class years have reached out to the Fed on conditions of anonymity stating that their respective grindees have made attempts to connect on LinkedIn. Many are unsure of what course of action to take and with Goldman internships on the line, the Grind and Connect culture is likely to continue to impact the Columbia community in the future months of the semester. More updates to come…
A NOBLE QUEST
Milo Yiannopoulos Returns to Campus In Search Of “Conservative Lesbian” By JORDAN PANZIER Believes in FREE SPEECH COLLEGE WALK – – After months of cancellations and dwindling engagements Milo Yiannopoulos, the self-described ‘World’s Most Dangerous Faggot’ decided to spend his last $500 on a plane ticket to NYC to find Columbia’s fabled “conservative lesbian.” When asked why Yiannopoulos, in his typical oddly fashioned speech augmented with peculiar grammar structures said “the lesbians, they are rare” explaining further that while he does not believe in gay women, the
press would love another poster-child for the LGBTQ conservative movement. Although Milo knows, just as writer of The Spectator’s “I’m a conservative lesbian: Lick It up” understands, “there’s no shortage of lesbians on this campus,” he still hopes to force the conservative one out of the closet. Beanie and flannel wearing sophomore Bridgette Fulmore said, “I was approached by this man with JT bleached tips, but once I said I wasn’t a lesbian he stopped talking to me.” Taylor Perring described how she and her friends were approached by
Yiannopoulos, and since she thought he was leading a survey on campus Perring said she was indeed a lesbian. In response Yiannopoulos yelled, “do you believe in using profiling and intelligence data to screen plane passengers?” to which Perring unfortunately responded “uh...no.” Following Yiannopoulos hysterical fit, Perring and her friends walked away. After a group of Columbia LGBTQ activists approached Yiannopoulos, his showmanship took over and he began describing exactly how he knew each member was not the conservative. From “Elizabeth Warren
button” to the less recognizable indication “reusable water bottle.” When contacted, Yiannopoulos ended the conversation with this colorful anecdote, “gay and bisexual men are the only real part of the LGBTQILMNOP... but seriously if we got a conservative lesbian, the world would be ours.” Currently Milo Yiannopoulos continues to look for The Lesbian, requesting that tips be sent to milo@ dangerous.com. Alternatively, you can find him harassing women with buzzcuts at Suite every drag night.
Police Fail to Distinguish between White Men in Avery BY UMA HALSTED Thinks messenger bags are hot AVERY LIBRARY – Police were called with a report of suspicious activity in Avery Library. Three Art History Barnard majors observed a young, white man order real milk, instead of soy, almond, or coconut, in his coffee. They were incredibly offended that the milk even existed at Brownies and reported it to the police immediately. After investigating the premises, police were unable to determine who the suspect was. It is critical that they find said criminal as soon as possible to bring him into the office and make him consume six bottles of almond milk as his “constructive behavior training.” After further investigation, our boys in blue have settled on five primary suspects, each fitting the description of a tall, white male. Suspect 1: 6’1”. Dirty blonde hair. Scruff. Black hoodie - brand unknown. Found at the scene of the crime hurried-
ly shoving juul into pocket. Suspect 2: 5’11”. Black hair. Long beard. Dark colored flannel. Found at the scene of the crime repacking Moleskin into brown leather bookbag. Suspect 3: 6’6”. Brown Jewfro. Clean-shaven. Navy blue t-shirt. Found at the scene of the crime eating cold blueberry muffin. Suspect 4: 6’3”. Shoulder-length golden locks. Cashmere v-neck. Male-model. Found at the scene of the crime taking selfie on Snapchat. Suspect 5: 5’7”: Redhead. Glasses. Custom-designed purple hoodie. Found at the scene of the crime making [bad] meme on laptop. When asked to identify between suspects, witness Hayley Jones CC’21 states: “I just don’t know, they’re all so similar, all my type. I think I’ve hooked up with at least half of these men.”
“Chef Mike wasn’t trying to draw penises, but bald professors” Graphic by Natalie Arenzon
THEY’RE ALL THE SAME
SHAVE THAT SHIT
CRAIGSLIST MISSED CONNECTIONS:
YOU WERE A WHITE GUY WITH STUBBLE IN AVERY We spent three long, tedious hours together, huddled under the lamplight. You wore a t-shirt with an ambiguous logo. I stared at you across the dark wooden table as you drank your Kombucha. Your lips were so chapped. I saw the cigarettes peeking out of your messenger bag, and I thought about your lips some more. You took your socks off at 8:39pm, and I could smell your feet - it was so intimate. You doodled faces in your Moleskine - did you doodle me at all? You left in a hurry at the final call for library closing and never looked back. I saw you the next day, between 19th century British Art and Kilmt. I smiled, and you ignored me. I saw you again in Joe’s a week later. I waved, and you looked at me like I was a freak. Please don’t ignore me, stubble boy. P.S. I think your messenger bag collection is pretty neat, wish I had that many bags.
Michelle Dandeneau
Progress Win! Old White Professor No Longer Uses Racial Slurs When Sexually Assaulting Students By ANONYMOUS Can you guess who? SCHERMERHORN—Starting this semester, senior Anthropology professor Dr. Jacob Miller will cease using racial slurs in the decades-old tradition of sexual assaulting students. “While it may be appropriate to vocalize racial slurs when reading historical texts in the classroom setting, I realize that it is inappropriate to address students as such in a more casual setting,” Miller explained. “It perpetuates the problematic narrative that I, a white man, have power over others on the basis of race. This is no longer acceptable in our society, and I am reflecting this change in my practice of rape.” Jessica Cho, CC ‘19, was one of the first students to benefit from this change. “I went to Professor Miller’s office hours last week, and when he locked the door behind me, I was so afraid of what was going to happen. I just kept thinking, ‘Don’t say it, don’t say
it, don’t say it,’ as he pulled down my pants. To my and the N-word when trying to get physical. When relief, he addressed me Professor Miller had his way with me, only as a ‘beautiful womI was afraid of hearing similarly racist " an,’ rather than an ‘orienlanguage, but he actually just called me tal princess’ like my East ‘girl’ the whole time. I think he almost “I JUST FELT SO MUCH Asian Studies professor called me a ‘sp*c’ at one point, but I redid. I just felt so much MORE COMFORTABLE BEING ally appreciate his effort to change his more comfortable being behavior.” PENETRATED AS AN ACTUAL problematic penetrated as an actual Inspired by the overwhelmingly person, not as just some PERSON, NOT JUST AS SOME positive response to these changes, Dr. ‘ch*nk’ or ‘g**k.’” Miller has made one more change in the Gabriella Dominguez, name of progress: to stop addressing his ‘CH*NK’ OR ‘G**K’ CC ‘20, also appreciates rape victims with sexist language. The - Jessica Cho CC '19 this change. “One of my effects of this change have yet to be felt, friends, who is of African but we at the Federalist believe this is descent, warned me not another step in the right direction. to take Miller’s class because he called her his ‘slave’
PROGRESS!
Freshman Gets Lost in Hamilton, Stumbles Into Eldritch Dimension
VERSACE, VERSACE, VERSACE
A SPECIAL UPDATE FROM JAMES MCSHANE Clery Crime Alert — Missing Canada Goose Jacket
By Gustie Owens Damned Soul
ST LUKE’S HOSPITAL--On Monday night, Maxwell Connington, CC ’22, was hospitalized at St. Luke’s after reportedly experiencing a psychotic break on the fifth floor of Hamilton. Connington was reportedly assigned a section of Contemporary Civilizations in one of the known nexuses of eldritch malevolence on campus, and insisted, against the counsel of friends and advisors, on attending class anyway. “Listen, all the other freshmen have managed to figure out that the numbering systems don’t make sense because of the resident extradimensional horrors in the buildings,” replied Dean James Valentini, when asked for a statement. “Do these people really think we wanted to build these places with 3 as the ground floor? Really, I can’t be held accountable if a student experiences egodeath at the hands of his own ignorance. Reportedly, Connington made multiple efforts to track down Hamilton 505 after his initial assignment. Predictably, the young student quickly began to experience the standard mystical warnings against searching for the forbidden dimensions: students in the fifth floor of Hamilton report inhuman voices shrieking at Connington’s passing, inexplicable dimming of sunlight at midday, and spouts of maggots springing from water fountains. In a shocking display of hubris, however, Connington seemingly disregarded all of these warnings: last week, sources tell us, Connington was trapped in anrepeating loop in the stairwell between the fourth and fifth floors for six hours.Afterwards, he merely remarked to his roommate that “no twisted Escherian nightmare would fuck up his 4.0 this semester.” Predictably, Connington’s hard-headedness culminated in his mind being utterly destroyed by exposure to the Great Old One in the Hamilton basement, whose infinite form defies mortal comprehension. “I just don’t know what that boy was thinking,” Ricardo Hernandez, professor of the Core, told reporters on Monday. “Everyone knows that if you get assigned Hamilton 505 on SSOL, you take that class another semester, on pain of eternal psychic torment. Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young. I’m sure it’s fine for him: he doesn’t have to try to teach three sections of Lit Hum in this building for the next year while virgins perish in mortal agony at random intervals. God, freshmen are so inconsiderate.”
On Thursday, February 7th, 2019, a Columbia University student reported a stolen jacket. It was described as a “long, black Canada Goose coat with an iPhone in the breast pocket, a Columbia ID in the left pocket and Airpods in the right pocket.” The jacket was last seen at Saint A’s, but today the police gained footage of the assailant. Even though the perpetrator has not yet been caught or prosecuted, the clarity of the footage has allowed police to identify more contents of the jacket. From the video, the student appears to have draped her jacket around her shoulders so as to get a insta-worthy “half-on, half-off” picture. When she leaned in to fake a candid laugh, the coat slipped off her shoulders and rested on the floor for 20 minutes until the unidentified theft took it and fled the building. Please review the following information and contact the NYPD 26 Pct. Detective Squad at 212 927-678-1351 or text James McShane directly at 212-854-5555 if you spot any of it on campus or Morningside Heights adjacent. 1) Like the first description mentioned, there was a Columbia ID found in the jacket. However, the police is unable to conclude if it belongs to the accomplice. When friends were asked to identify the card, they said that it was “Facetuned beyond recognition.” 2) Polaroids of NYC skylines with six glasses of rosé clinking in the foreground. If you have any suggestions for what to write at the bottom of the polaroid in sharpie, please contact James McShane and he’ll pass it along. 3) Dental dams 4) Phone ringtone is set to the climax of Sheck Wes’ landmark single, “Mo Bamba.” (Due to the song’s popularity, please only report to the police if you hear this ringtone at least 500 feet away from East Campus Residence Hall.) 5) Lock screen photo of the owner and her “sisters” celebrating at The Cheesecake Factory. 6) Fyre Festival ticket (VIP) 7) $50,000 check addressed to unknown residence in Singapore 8) A half-eaten Larabar. Police initially believed this product was consumed as a soylent-like supplement, only to later notice a demolished chicken wing from JJs place dangling from an inner-pocket.
Please note-Clery Crime Alerts are distributed, pursuant to Federal Law, for specific crimes in defined locations. They do not present, nor are they intended to present, a complete picture of crimes on campus. Deidre Fuchs Executive Director of Investigations 212 854-2054 MARCH 2019
HAIL CTHULHU
Nicole Kohut
Senior Investigator 5555-854 212 Case # 6969 of 2019
MY LAST RELATIONSHIP WENT DOWN THE TOILET
Op-Ed: An Open Letter To The Man Brushing His Teeth While I'm Shitting BY LUIS VERA
A Stinky, Stinky Boy To the young man bravely attempting to brush his teeth through the deadly cloud of bowel fumes I have unleashed in this tiny Hartley bathroom—I am deeply sorry. Lord only knows the series of events that have brought us here. Though I can only really make out a male figure through the crack in this stall, I picture you brighteyed and broad-shouldered, with the kind of square jaw and good, wide teeth my grandmama always said meant a boy had “that good breeding blood.” I bet you’re nice and wholesome, probably getting up for 8am chemistry lab with the kind of motivation I haven’t felt since grade school, a long and productive future ahead of you. Meanwhile, I
sit here, after months of pushing back my abysmal sleep schedule so far I’ve now come full circle, at 7:30am with a deadly case of the post-robotrip shits, assaulting your un-
"TRULY IF THIS MIASMA HAD DESCENDED UPON EGYPT IN THE TIME OF THE JEWS, THEY WOULD HAVE BEGGED GOD ON BENDED KNEES TO SEND THE LOCUSTS BACK." varnished innocence with this unholy stench. Truly, if this miasma had descended upon Egypt in the time of the Jews, they would have begged God on bended knees to send the locusts back.
Young man, I beg of you—do not hate me, as we look upon each other across this narrow gap of unwashed tile floor, so close and yet so far. Pity the poor soul that flagellates your senses with his foul creation, for he, clad in cum-encrusted sweatpants and bits of cold, crusted Ramen noodle, merely passes through your life momentarily, on his journey of poor hygiene and abject despair. Take my deepest apologies, such as they are, and let the only mark I leave on your life be your hastily-brushed teeth as you scramble for the exit. Consign the memory of the poor, intestinally-challenged man in the third stall to oblivion. Go in good health, my son, and seriously consider brushing your teeth in your room tomorrow morning. I’m eating Indian tonight.
An Open Letter to My (now) Ex By JONATHAN MCCLEMENT
A Straight Savage Oh, Dearly Beloved, Over the past several days (okay, maybe a few YEARS), I have been contemplating writing to you about a certain... subject. This may come as a surprise—out of the blue, let’s say—but I have realized that our five-year relationship must come to a truly tragic end. Being the fair and honest man that I am, I feel obligated to grant you, my queen, a list of transgressions that have led me to this terrible conclusion after all the… time we spent together. Without further ado, let us journey along the path of our misfortune! When I first met you, its cuteness was beyond words; caressing my inner ear with its uniquely beautiful tone, I thought I would enjoy it for eternity. Oh, but was I so very wrong! Once enchanting, that wretched sound now drives me ever closer to the psychiatric ward. Your laugh
is best equated to the hyena’s, an unnatural sound which beckons for one to forcibly shove a Q-tip to the ear. Your insistence at laughing at everything is the cause of my many migraines and panic attacks, and has bothered me so much as to spend more time than I would like with my mother! After you have inevitably moved on from our little foray, may I offer you a piece of advice? If I don’t, I’m afraid you’ll never find your one true love. Here it is: the way you chew your food is—to be blunt—absolutely disgusting. If I were blind, I would probably run in fear, as I might actually believe you to be a vicious dog on the loose! Trust me, it is quite impressive how well you can imitate a hungry hog who has found a piece of scrap. Your table manners beg the question: who raised you? It could not possibly be your lovely parents, or even the family pet, who is classy enough to eat on the floor away from those who may find slobber on one’s plate nauseating.
DO YOU NEED A FRIEND? CALL CPS! WE’RE ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU!
It would be a lie to say I haven’t thought of marriage during our time together, however, I have stayed away from the topic because, I’m afraid, your hands are just… unnaturally large for a woman of your frame. My fear of this, I’ll admit, is more self-centered: I’m afraid I cannot possibly marry a woman whose hands are more masculine than my own. How my friends would joke! If we were to be married, I doubt I could invite any of them to the reception! I could go on, further educate you of your numerous quirks which have disturbed me enough to pick up the quill, but I see no harm in being mysterious, to give you something to ponder about. I will, however, leave you with this: “There’s no one thing that’s true. It’s all true.” -Ernest Hemingway From your friend in good faith, Jon
(WELL, LIKE... DURING LIMITED DROP IN HOURS, AT LEAST.)
CALL 212-854-2284 or VISIT www.facebook/buysellmemes.com (to tide you over) GUESS WE'RE DOING OPEN LETTERS NOW?
Top 10 Things Under the Pool Table Cover at 1020
RIP, RAG-TINI
By ALEX HORN Sleeps there sometimes
1. Your drink from freshman year You paid $13 for that whiskey on the rocks, just so your NSOP friends would think you were sophisticated, and you just held it in your palm and swirled it. It’s been under the pool table cover ever since, silently judging you. You’d go swill it now, but it’s been two years, so all the ice has probably melted. Also, fuck it. You just want that vodka-cran, extra cran.
2. A lone joint
7. Baby shoes
4. A pool of strange liquid that’s hopefully not vomit It’s definitely wet, and maybe a little chunky, but that doesn’t mean anything. It could be clam chowder for all you know.
Never worn.
8. The original sundial sphere Okay, this one probably wouldn’t fit.
5. A pool of strange liquid that’s definitely vomit
9. Deantini’s favorite jizzrag
Yeah, that’s definitely vomit.
One of the few items here intentionally: part of 1020’s acclaimed new Take a Joint, Leave a Joint charity drive. You’d spark it up yourself, but you know that after downing those vodka-crans, your buddy Michael will be more than happy to let you bum if you’re down to discuss T.S. Elliot with him. .
3. Stained boxers These are only here about half the time, which raises the disturbing possibility that someone has, for whatever reason, been periodically reclaiming the underwear and then putting them back.
6. Tim’s jacket Hey guys, Tim lost his jacket. Can everyone help me look for it? Seriously, just like look around you, retrace your steps. Come on, please, can everyone help? It’s a Canada Goose with his phone, wallet, and I.D. in the top right pocket. No Cameron, he didn’t fucking leave it at home, how do you think he got in here?
He forgot it here during the afterbash for Bacchanal 2008, and still hasn’t gotten over its loss. Students wishing to pay their respects should lift up the table cover and salute the rag at regular intervals.
10. Your self-respect It’s gotta be here somewhere, right?
Special Report: Ancient Manuscript Reveals The ‘C’ in Lee C. Bollinger Stands For
“Columbiauniversityinthecityofnewyork” By NIKHIL MEHTA and MATT NOLAN No middle initials, guys? LOW LIBRARY—In a shocking revelation this past week, Samuel Thornberry, SEAS ’20, discovered that Prezbo’s middle name is the horrific, 36-character, 16-syllable monster of a word, “Columbiauniversityinthecityofnewyork.” Thornberry, who was searching through Prezbo’s office for the secret to his luscious steely locks, came across a word that was a bit too long for him to read as an engineer. “I found an ancient clay tablet in a drawer, and the next thing I know, there was this behemoth of text before my eyes. Even in U. Writing I didn’t have to deal with words that long,” said Thornberry, of what is now believed to be Prezbo’s birth certificate. Although the contents of the clay slab were in perfect English, a confused Thornberry delivered the ancient tablet to the East Asian Languages and Cultures Department in the hopes of unlocking the mysteries it held. Following further investigation into the origins of the tablet, the Archaeology department
discovered that the slab dates to the time of Moses. Also among Thornberry’s findings was a papyrus scroll, which he had a difficult time comprehending, despite the fact that it was written by a 12-year-old Lee Bollinger. Motivated by an intense desire to learn more about his idol, Thornberry handed over the scroll to Fed sources. The contents of the manuscript detail a young Bollinger’s coming to terms with his destiny to be the university’s prophesied leader. Through the scroll, it was discovered that Bollinger, who was conceived by and born of Alma Mater, had intense visions of his ascent to the Columbia throne and destruction of Harlem, stating “Listen, all ye who shalt bow before me! For soon I will be given the crown of the University of the Crown. With this power shall all ye who stand against me tremble as my supreme power strips the bodega from the street and the minority from thine home.” Following these visions, the adolescent Bollinger decided to take up the torch and inscribe his glorious middle name upon his upper right abdomen.
AMATEUR ARCHAEOLOGY. RATED XXX.
JAMES MCSHANE AND SCRUFF MGRUFF 4 EVA! WITH MUCH LOVE — JAMES MCSHANE
Graphic by Mai Morsy