Ever since I first knew I was gay, which for me was early on—as a teenager—I have been conflicted about talking about my father and our relationship. By the time I was in high school and felt the first attraction to other boys, he was a renowned New York psychiatrist—Dr. Charles W. Socarides, M.D.—famous mostly for being an early proponent of the theory that homosexuality is a mental illness that can be cured through psychotherapy.
I was never interested in changing my sexual orientation. For some reason, despite my background, I always considered it a gift and just a part of who I was.
There were challenges. Often, especially before I was out of the closet, I felt I had to hide my sexual orientation in order to avoid the notoriety that would have accompanied such a disclosure by the son of one of the founders of so-called gay-conversion therapy.
As I became an advocate for gay rights, I wanted very much for that work to stand on its own, and not viewed in the context of my father’s reputation. I was also sometimes embarrassed for him, as his professional reputation became interconnected with a theory that was, over time, wholly discredited. And it was just plain irritating to be asked, over and over again, if I was related to that crazy anti-gay doctor (and to have to say yes). With this backdrop, it was difficult, over the years until his death in 2005, to hold on to the residual affection I had for him as just my dad.
When I worked for President Clinton, part of my policy focus was on gay rights, and the question repeatedly came up. Both the Times and the Washington Post did stories that focussed on my relationship with my father. After that, and once the theory that you could cure homosexuality became more a preoccupation of the right-wing fringe, our connection felt less like something I needed to discuss. (Although it is frequently suggested to me that our family story would make for a good book or movie.)
Then, several months ago, I met Nathan Manske, the founder and executive director of the I’m From Driftwood project. Driftwood is a Web site with a mission “to help LGBTQ people learn more about their community, straight people learn more about their neighbors and everyone learn more about themselves through the power of storytelling and story sharing.”
Manske got the name for his project after seeing Gus Van Sant’s film “Milk,” written by Dustin Lance Black:
Manske is from Driftwood, Texas, a small town not usually associated with gay rights.
Manske asked whether I would agree to be interviewed on video about my relationship with my father, and how I told him that I was gay. He told me he thought it would help other people understand both how difficult and how important it is to come out. Plus, he said, it’s a good story. (The video is below.)
I think that coming out is the strongest and most important political act any gay person can take. It lets others know who we are, and, as I learned in politics, if you personally know a gay person, it is harder to support any kind of discrimination against him or her.
I don’t think my coming out to my dad was harder or easier than anyone else’s. I didn’t come out to the founder of conversion therapy. I came out to my father.
Richard Socarides is an attorney, political strategist, writer, and longtime gay-rights advocate. He served as White House Special Assistant and Senior Adviser during the Clinton Administration.
Photo: Richard Socarides with his father, Dr. Charles W. Socarides, M.D., at his law-school graduation, May, 1979.
