As a straight single woman in my twenties, I love me some dudes. But I can't stand the dude-bros. And I weep at the fact that dude-bro culture seems to be quickly taking over dude culture.
What is a dude-bro, and how is he different from a standard dude?
Answers vary, but the dude-bro seems fairly synonymous with the douche (an insult I remain strongly in favor of). He's Guy Fieri. He's the Abercrombie-wearing frat boy pumping his fist and screaming "USA! USA!" at the concert you're attending. He's walking through the Burger King drive-in drunk at 3am and calling the cashier a fag. He's probably wearing some variety of khaki short and maybe a baseball hat. He's probably white, probably fairly affluent, probably was in a fraternity and definitely refers to his male friends as his "bros."
Dude-bros, of course, are not the same in every pocket of the United States, but they always adapt to the local culture, creating insular groups of men who use cultural cues like clothing and speech patterns to display their dude-bro-ness, and who militantly share the same tastes and preferences (some variation on the theme of mediocre bands, mediocre restaurants and sorority girls). In New York, he's a finance douche. In Orange County, he drives a ridiculous car. In North Carolina, he's cheering for Duke.
So why all the hate? Can't I just let bros be bros?
No. Bros are a scourge on American culture, and their intense conformity is disturbing in itself. But they're also displaying a toxic brand of masculinity that's harmful to both men and women. Dude-bro culture centers on a conventional masculinity that doesn't leave room for much individuality, let alone serious deviation from heterosexual male norms. And the heterosexual norms that dude-bros embrace are largely about exercising dominance over women. Their version of sex is something men get from women, even if they have to coerce or force it.
And men who aren't sexually predatory and hyper-conformist to frat-boy standards? Fags, obviously.
Luckily, most dudes aren't dude-bros, and male culture in the US is shifting to allow a diversity of male experience and expression. Male friendships are increasingly highlighted in popular media, and intense, emotionally complex friendships between men are increasingly acceptable.
So how do you know if you're a regular dude or a dude-bro? Here are a few questions to help you along:
1). Are your male friends dudes who you actually talk to about stuff other than sports and whatever woman you've most recently banged?
2). Do you find women genuinely interesting human beings who you enjoy knowing as people, or do you think they're really advanced blow-up dolls whose main benefits (vaginas, boobs) are often out-shadowed by serious downsides (opinions, nagging)?
3). Do you use phrases like "that's so gay" to deride something you don't like? Do you regularly call other men "fags" when they do something you think is stupid?
4). If someone gets testy when you use words like fag, do you defend yourself with someone version of, "But I have a friend who's gay!"?
5). Did you vote for Mitt Romney?
6). If you didn't vote for Mitt Romney, is it because politics is just, like so gay?
7). Is targeting a really drunk girl the best way to get laid? Do you think girls get wasted so that their inhibitions will be lowered and they'll do you?
8). Do you know what negging is? Is it a tactic you've employed in your dating life?
9). Do you think Judd Apatow is a comic genius? Did you think the same thing about Pauley Shore ten years ago?
10). Am I a fat, ugly, man-hating dyke bitch for writing this article?
If you actually need me to tell you what answers point toward "you're a dude-bro," I'm sorry bro, but you may be guilty as charged. But all hope is not lost! Most of us make mistakes in our youth (true story: I was a Christian virginity pledger, purity ring and all). To the dude-bros who don't want to be rapey, homophobic creeps: there's plenty you can do to have male friends, like sports, have a good time, be whatever kind of man you want to be and still not be a jerk.
First, push back against misogyny and homophobia in your social circle. Yeah, "fag" and "bitch" are just words, but they're words with a lot of punch – they're words that lots of fags and bitches hear thrown at them when we're being physically assaulted, actually. Don't tolerate them.
Second, fight against toxic sexual culture. Obviously, don't coerce women into sex, but also don't tolerate social norms that make it acceptable to coerce women into sex. Help to build a masculinity that understands women have sexual desire, too, and that says it's profoundly pathetic to have to basically trick or talk someone into sleeping with you.
Third, battle gender conformity. Dress, talk and socialize however you want, but recognize that there are myriad ways to be a man, and what kind of pants (or skirt or make-up) you wear has exactly zero to do with maleness or strength or character. Don't undermine the masculinity of men who display it differently than you do. Let dudes just be dudes.
If you would stop propping up the careers of bands like Nickelback, that would be great, too.