MOYES … MOYES … I WAS BUSY THINKING ‘BOUT MOYES
It has been less than a month since David Moyes strode into the Great Briton Suite at the D1ldoDome, wearing the fixed grin of a losing Oscar nominee, referring to himself in the third person, talking about those 11 years at Everton and wistfully wondering what Jags and Bainesy were up to at that very moment. His eyes were so full of hope. Or was it sadness? Hard to tell. Either way, it’s not taken long for Taxpayers FC to knock the optimism out of The Available One with all the force of Andy Carroll careering into an unsuspecting defender, elbows flailing, teeth flying. Poor Moyesie. Did you see him on the touchline at Vicarage Road last Sunday? He looked very let down, so it was no surprise to hear him tear into his new players after his first game ended in a drab 2-0 defeat by Watford.
It was the kind of fatalistic rhetoric that might have had Sunderland fans nodding in recognition, not that Moyes is too interested in having a conversation about his year at the Stadium of Gloom. Instead he’ll answer about 11 successful years at Goodison Park or attempt to talk up his record at Manchester United, who lacked the foresight to realise what a manager they had on their hands. If only United had shown a bit more thought and provided him some kind of backing, he could have set about trying to give supporters what they were after: the return to Old Trafford of one of their heroes. But he was sacked before he had a chance and United’s loss was Sunderland’s gain, not that those north-east ingrates showed the Moyesiah any appreciation when he signed Darron Gibson. There’s no pleasing some people.
However, having heard all the mutinous chants Taxpayer FC’s fans sang about Gollivan at Vicarage Road, Moyes has realised it’s probably part of his remit to spread some love and urge everyone in east London to have a good old C0ckney knees-up before Friday’s visit from Leicester City. “I have come in and I don’t know the politics,” said the man who blamed his Sunderland catastrophe on a failure to do enough due diligence before taking the job. “I was shocked by it when I heard it. If we can do well on the pitch, then hopefully the supporters concentrate on getting right behind the team. Friday night football is quite good. People come to the game looking forward to the weekend. They may have a couple of drinks on the way in and look forward to a few drinks on their way home.”
It was quite the rallying cry, and impressively delivered given that Big Andy, who’s had a bit of a funny turn recently, had the Scot in a headlock at the time. In fact, The Fiver’s already sunk 17 cans of Special Tin and has spent much of the day brawling with shoppers at nearby Westfield in readiness for the game. Do Moyes’s powers of motivation know no bounds? Apparently not, so that’s settled it. The D1ldoDome will be a hive of positivity, full of happy Hammers blowing bubbles and dreaming dreams and roaring the lads on to a famous 10-0 win, Lionel Messi scoring the lot, just like that judge off The Apprentice promised in that special shiny brochure. Nothing can go wrong from here. Isn’t booze amazing?
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QUOTES OF THE DAY
“I know everyone was keeping an eye on whether I fell off or did something wrong. It was almost like I was playing in the World Cup quarter-finals again against Brazil” – Lil’ Mickey Owen after his debut as a jockey ended in a second-place finish aboard Calder Prince at Ascot.
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BITS AND BOBS
Leo Messi is still chatting about big news: him being rested for Barcelona’s Big Cup game against Juventus. “Every time I’m on the bench, there’s a lot of commotion because I usually play, I don’t like sitting out, I like to participate and help from the inside,” he cooed. “But I understand it’s a long season and that I have to look after myself more because the seasons keep getting tougher.”
José Mourinho is concerned he won’t have the soon-to-be-out-of-contract Marouane Fellaini lumbering around his Manchester United midfield next season. “This is a discussion between the player and the board,” he sobbed. “I’m not involved in contracts, in deals, and I respect both – I respect the player because he has the right to decide his future. So I just wait, wishing they will have an understanding.”
Paul Clement insists the good ship Do One is nowhere near Swansea and he isn’t going to be boarding it before or after they play Bournemouth. “I have not had any sort of discussion, ‘If you don’t do this, it’s going to be the end’,” Clement said. “Nothing like that at all, absolutely the opposite. [The board] are behind me and together we are going to get through this.”
Erm. Mauricio Pellegrino says it’s nowhere near Southampton either. They play Everton next, so he has good reason to be confident. “We are five points from eighth. Or four points away [from the bottom three],” he soothed. “I’m scared about a lot of things, not my job.”
Everton caretaker David Unsworth couldn’t give a flying one where it is because he knows he’ll be managing the reserves again soon after overseeing a 5-1 home defeat by Atalanta in front of about 12 fans that made a meaningless Big Vase match feel meaningful. “Our fans had paid good money to come and see this. They leave with a bad taste in their mouth and so do I,” he sniffed.
West Brom caretaker Gary Megson reckons he’s more than qualified to look after the tracksuit and cap left behind by Tony Pulis. “I have done this for nearly 700 games and been a manager for a long, long time,” he blathered. “I just wanted to do what I felt was right for the football club.”
Jürgen Klopp reckons Liverpool’s capitulation in Seville was his fault, not Alberto Moreno’s. “Yes the penalty was Alberto and the free-kick was Alberto but it was not one player,” he parped. “He’s not the player to blame. I am 100% responsible.
And Danny Rose has been told by Mauricio Pochettino to stay in the Tottenham box he so desperately wants to get out of until he is told otherwise. “It surprised me to create a problem like this when there wasn’t one,” sighed Pochettino. “But for me I am happy that he was angry. If he is angry it means he wanted to play. But in the same way, I don’t care. Because it is my decision.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Ten! Things! To! Look! Out! For! This! Weekend! In! The! Premier! League!
Is it possible to look beyond all that cash with Manchester City, muses Barney Ronay.
Liverpool’s sieve-like defence is not Alberto Moreno’s fault, writes Jonathan Wilson. Or at least it’s not all Alberto Moreno’s fault.
Hamish McAlpine sounds like a Scottish goalkeeper in a comic, possibly one with magic gloves or a huge moustache that makes his goal impregnable. Graeme Webster has the lowdown on the real thing.
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