Piling on Nickelback is old hat. Can't we all just move on already?

Admitting to liking Nickelback is not a thing one should do in polite company.

Sure, we all know every word to How You Remind Me, having absorbed them via some kind of osmosis back when our brains were young, soft and impressionable. We’ve all sung along to it too, possibly in a bar at midnight after a few too many glasses of the ol’ dizzy-water. And we – shhh! – enjoyed it, didn’t we? But it isn’t acceptable. In public, nobody admits to liking Nickelback. That’s because it would be less damaging to your social standing to go out and find a child – any child – and punch it as hard as you could in the side of its head.

The same can be said of the band’s hirsute, leonine ballad-growler Chad Kroeger. If you took a survey, most people would probably say they would like nothing more than to tie Kroeger to a Saturn rocket using his own stupid hair, point it at Alpha Centauri and hit the red button, like a joyous game of Whack-a-Mole that was simply impossible to lose.

Queensland police demonstrably fall into this camp. They’ve just published a Bolo poster on their Facebook page stating that Nickelback are wanted for crimes against music. Apropos of no actual crime, musical or otherwise. A reckless squandering of police time and resources aside, Nickelback are forever coming in for treatment like this. And I say it’s time for the madness to stop.

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Over 19 years and eight albums, Nickelback have managed to propel themselves to the upper echelons of rock’s true success stories. They sell out arenas. They produce hits. Their albums are all successful. And they do this with guitars and songs they write themselves. So what’s everyone’s problem? They just do what they’ve always done, and – if you like what they do – they do it consistently well.

Not only this, but Nickelback have the common decency to retain a relatively low profile. Sure, they might come on the radio more than their apoplectic detractors like, but guys, the off switch is right there – it’s next to on. Just stick out a finger. Compared with the ubiquitous, un-ignorable rock behemoth that is the Foo Fighters (who in an attempt to stay “real” and “underground” are rumoured to be Letterman’s final guests), Nickelback are almost polite in the ease to which they can be ignored.

Is it their rock’n’roll preposterousness that grinds people’s gears? Because if it is, then it would be more productive to direct your bile at the idiotic Kid Rock, the eyeliner “we’re still punk” nonsense of Green Day, or U2, who have been irritating discerning rock fans without reprieve for over 30 years. The Edge recently fell from U2’s absurdly ostentatious stage during the first show of their world tour. That was delicious schadenfreude, karma for being such colossal musical irritants. The Edge calls himself The Edge, for Pete’s sake. Bono’s real name is Paul. They’re both preening, pompous idiots. And yet they hitherto remain unbesmirched by the Queensland, Australia, constabulary.

My countrymen and women in the UK recently began a Kickstarter to prevent Nickelback travelling to our shores. For shame, Britain. At the time of furious typing, not a single Kickstarter has been created to force Bono by law to stop wearing leather pants, or The Edge to remove his ridiculous hat, revealing the mini-Edge atop his hairless cranium pulling the tiny levers that control him.

Chad Kroeger just has to take the world’s abuse like an endless flurry of punches to the bruised scrotum that is his self-esteem. “I love it,” he said of the UK Kickstarter, choking back a tsunami of man-tears. “I think it’s hilarious. All these critics, they’re just tireless.” I imagine he then hurled himself into the mountain of frilly pillows atop his bed and scrawled “WHY DO THEY HATE ME” in his journal for six to seven desperate hours. You did this to him.

And what about the time Nickelback lost a Facebook popularity contest with a pickle? Come on, guys – you’re better than that. It’s this sort of hurtful slander that can cause a man – a nice man, like Chad Kroeger – to crack. Until that dark and inevitable day, all poor Chad can do is bite his lip and take it. That he manages to do this with with even a modicum of good grace marks him out as, if not quite a hero, then 100% more of a hero then you or I will ever be. Did you see the Funny or Die skit he did in response to a cruel petition that Nickelback be replaced as NFL half-time entertainment? Watch it. See what great sports Nickelback are, and then wallow in your guilt.

You don’t have to like their music, even if it does mean kids across the world will be listening to rock instead of appalling pop discharge like Justin Bieber. You don’t have to go and see them play or say you preferred their early stuff, even if you secretly do. But we should all get off their backs.

Come on, world: give the boys a break. Nickelback’s hate-tank is full. Let’s do something more productive and direct our ire at those who truly deserve it. Please pledge generously to my Kickstarter campaign to have Zayn Malik kick all remaining members of One Direction in the groin until he gets too tired to continue. That would be true justice. And, crucially, great TV.