John Malkovich is Blackbeard but, the character warns all comers, “we don’t use that name here.” He’d rather the world assume he is dead, or just a legend.
Hidden away on an uncharted island, this Blackbeard — actually white goatee attending the bald head — is a nutjob.
As played by Malkovich, he’s an ambitious, secretive virtual king of his own island, operating from an undisclosed location in the Carribbean. Also, obsessed with time pieces and prone to migraines. Blackbeard a.k.a. The Commodore, a.k.a. Edward Teach, has visions.
This telling takes liberties with what the world knows about the infamous pirate and builds a story around an older, perhaps quirkier Blackbeard.
The Chronometer, which holds the secret of longitude and will enable navigation of the seas, is the treasure he seeks.
A pirate tale of murder, mayhem and short pants, NBC’s “Crossbones,” which premieres May 26, is a fictionalized account of Blackbeard told in nine hours.
As TV entertainment, it’s a more seaworthy vessel than Starzs’ recent “Black Sails.” Still, it doesn’t live up to the current crop of cable antihero stories.
You’d think, with TV’s ferociously flawed protagonists enjoying a prolonged vogue, the pirate scoundrel would be a natural. While it’s enjoyable enough watching Malkovich sneer and gloat and threaten torture, the overall adventure isn’t as enticing as recent frontier/mob/dirty-cop outings.
Maybe it’s easier to like a family man who sees a therapist and lives in the suburbs and happens to be a gangster than a pirate overlord who enjoys acupuncture on the side.
In “Crossbones,” low-tech fight scenes are a welcome relief from the customary mind-blowing special effects. Mostly, however, the reason to watch is Malkovich. His indeterminate accent, distinctively strained diction and arresting facial grimaces do the heavy lifting.
Once again the tale sets sail circa 1729, this time following a dashing English spy who is working undercover as a ship’s physician. Mr. Lowe (Richard Coyle of “Covert Affairs”) has been assigned to murder Blackbeard.
On the pretty island of Santa Compana, the barbarous pirate runs a crazy, lawless shantytown-with-brothel.
Lowe and Teach will be alternately foes and allies in pursuit of a treasure: the Longitude Chronometer, which, of course, can only be useful only with the correct decoder.
A sense of mutual admiration builds between nemeses as they spar, variously attempting murder and saving each other, each distrusting the other.
As in “Black Sails,” a single piece of parchment holds the clue to a vast bounty … and it’s about to be eaten/burned/destroyed. (In “Black Sails,” a “Treasure Island” prequel, the secret was held by John Silver, here, it’s Lowe.)
Once again, a brothel plays a central role.
And once again, the local entrepreneur is a terribly lonely and sexually frustrated woman. In this instance, she’s Kate Balfour (Claire Foy), a beauty who goes skinny-dipping every morning in Lowe’s field of vision.
If “Black Sails” was intended as “Deadwood on the Beach,” then “Crossbones” is an even closer imitation, with Blackbeard and Lowe doing the Al Swearingen-Seth Bullock dance.
Creators Neil Cross (“Luther”), James V. Hart and Amanda Welles take pains to keep the audience guessing what the next savagery might be. He provides plenty of gruesome action to fill the gap between broadcast standards and cable freedom.
Along the way, we learn what a Hellburner is.
Joanne Ostrow: 303-954-1830, jostrow@denverpost.com or twitter.com/ostrowdp
